And now for a public service announcement.
So, I live downtown. Things here are nice. Everything you could possibly want is within walking distance, its where everything is happening, theres so much to see. With this convenience there is the price tag of the occasional gang related shooting, aggressive homeless folks stealing muffins right out of your hand, apartments randomly going up in flames, and the entire park full of crack addicts and/or prostitutes a couple hundred yards away. Every day, I walk to work in fear. Though it is truth that my fear is not caused by any of these things of which I have just spoken. My fear occurs two to four times daily as I walk past the Urban Cornerstone Presbyterian Church on the corner of Bleaker and Carlton. This is where Satan lives and breeds.
Its about seven in the morning. The sun is starting to peek out. Looks to be a lovely day. Im awake; bright eyed thanks to Visine, bushy-tailed thanks to Maxwell House. Im practically fucking skipping to work on a cloud. I walk along beside a fence lined in a row of puffy pigeons, fat and fluffy from pre-winter gorging on garbage. Usually there is elderly Chinese person from the building across from ours tossing peanuts to the squirrels that live in the garden of the Presbyterian church. I usually smile at them and they usually dont see me. Today I didnt see them. Just the squirrels. Many of them, all waiting behind the fence. Curious, I stopped to have a look at them. Theres something a bit off about Toronto squirrels. They all stand around on their hind legs with their arms folded in front of them like an old woman clutches a purse to her chest when she walks by a group of black men. So theres a group of these wee guys, standing there on their back legs looking at me looking at them, with their beady black eyes and their shabby cuteness. I take a step closer, and one of them runs under the fence and rests his hands on my shoe. Adorable. A second one, full of wonderment, comes to check me out. And then a third and a forth and the first one is running up my leg and the second one is jumping on my body and they are all leaping toward and me scurrying around my body with their tiny strong bodies and freaky little squirrell claws. I just scream and scream and take the fuck off out of there as fast as I can.
Fucking squirrels! GOD DAMN IT! Now every time I go past that church, one of them gives me in the eye and follows me while I walk. Its fucking menacing. God to have them running all over you, it was so sick and terrifying. I thought they were going to eat me. Jesus. Now I have gay couples laughing at me while I run away from tiny church squirrels. But it was traumatizing, and the rat bastards cant wait to crawl on me again. It must be because I smell like a bakery.
So, General Public, watch out for squirrels. They want to eat their way under your flesh and hibernate in your warm, warm muscles for the winter. If you do see a squirrel, do not stop, and do not make eye contact. Just walk briskly to your nearest police station until the danger has past. OMG.
Lets Rack’em Up!
– Carton of Milk (2%)
– 8 coffees (1 small, 6 large, 1 latte)
– 1 glass of water
– My entire detox tea (cold)
– Greek Salad
– 1 drinking glass
– 1 pair of rubber gloves (water too hot, melted fingertips)
– 1 bent back nail
– 1 cut from broken glass on ankle
– 1 book corner in the eye
– generally sore back and feet