This evening has been spent in my usual late night pursuit of having a drink and a life crisis. The drink is usually beer and the crisis is usually concerning one career path or another and tonight is no exception. Every week, every hour actually, I make bold declarations, promises, covenants and commitments concerning my scholarly ambitions only to reverse back on myself the next minute. Exhausting. I need to just pick a fucking horse and stay on’er.
I think about my future, I dream about it, the things I will do, the person I will become, what I’m going to name the llamas, and try to imagine the best way to get there. I’m so afraid of failing and wasting time and money it’s crippling. Do I become a successful freelance illustrator? Do I open my own little tea and cake shop? Do I travel to Nepal and live in a hut with a family of 15 and teach kids art for free? Do I get a $25 an hour job stamping permits for the city, save up for a downpayment on a condo and buy thirty cats? Help!
And yeah its easy to say, oh fucking hell just suck it up and do something already but it just isn’t working. I have friends who have just spent 4 years and thousands of dollars and cant seem to even find a job in a supermarket so that’s not exactly inspiring either. Anyway, is it sad that Im happy where I am right now? Barely scraping by sharing a one bedroom apartment? I’m really happy. It probably won’t be enough to satisfy me for long though. A girl can only shovel croissants into the ever open mouths of rich people with personality deficits for so long before coming into work one day with a fifteen hundred dollar handgun she bought off some guy named Taliban Tom in the park and taking a few of them out of commission….
Anyway, here are my simple life goals for the next 6 or so months. Maybe sharing them with you will make me do them for fear of being a big loser. These are just very basic and superficial ones, I have a bigger list but there is some weird stuff on there that I would look nutty for typing out here so I’ll keep it secret and keep it safe. These are the important ones.
1. Blow the dust off my savings account and put $300 a month into it. Without Exception.
2. Lose 30 pounds. Realistically 20 will do but I want to push myself. I have to get rid of this man, when you look down your stomach shouldn’t be smiling back up at you. Smirky fucking bastard! I’d be happy too if I ate cake all day long! OH WAIT I DO. FUCK.
3. Have a portfolio for Sheridans illustration program ready by november 1st. Apply to Sheridan and George Brown in AMPLE time this time around.
4. Bake atleast once a week, trip to the library atleast once a month, and do Illustration Friday every week, you lazy bitch.
5. Buy a dress and wear it.
6. Ride bike every day. If the bike is neglected pilates must be performed in the living room. Tickets are $10 at the door.
7. Explore Toronto.
8. Work on tattoos fo Hefty C.
9. Help Bobby and/or Kristy to become productive human beings in any way I can.
10. Pare my belongings down to a minimum.