Next I found a fortune cookie on the last empty table in the cafeteria! It read “Stop procrastinating – starting tomorrow.” Ha ha ha, cheeky little cookie bastard.
And thirdly, someone left a giant Bentley bag leaning up against my bicycle, and I thought “What ho! Look here! A gift most glorious hath been bestoweth upon me!” Inside was a multitude of terrifying items including a pair of leather hush puppies, some black condoms, and blood. Score!
So as I sit here typing this, in my fancy new shoes, wearing my swanky new black condoms, I reflect upon how lucky I am in life. Thanks, baby Jesus, Allah, or The Japanese. Whoever is up there, looking down, fucking with me continuously. It’s nice to feel special.
Also my spellchecker keeps underlining the word “whoever”. Whoever is a word, right??? It is. Isn’t it?? Wtf. Why ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME, SPELLCHECKER! YOU LYING WHORE!