Moses’ Pretty Toeses’

It is absolutely just pissing down outside.

It gets very cold in this house these days, but especially when it starts to rain. Looking out the window is like looking into a bloody aquarium filled with sheep. Poor soggy bastards. Id light a fire but we used up all the firewood and now its raining I can’t go chop some more. Its not as convenient when you don’t have a big hairy manly man around to chop some for you so you dont have to drag your ass out in the rain in size 14 mens rubber boots and try to hack at slippery wet logs with a dull axe and probably only succeed in chopping your own legs off and dying alone in a wood shed, covered in spiders, lamenting your complete inability as a human being to accomplish even the most basic, primal task. BAH.

My tea is even cold now. I only made it 6 minutes ago. My nose is freezing. PISS AND MOAN!

The worst part though is when its so cold like this, everytime I make a tea it steams up the kitchen window and the words “Kara Is  a Bum” appear in the steam like the ghostly face of the virgin mary or something. Ive tried to wipe it off but CBs fingertips must have etched straight into the glass or something. Goddamnit.

Its actually nice to be inside typing a blog for the bulk of the afternoon. Ive given myself until 2pm for lazy relax time. Time just for me, to watch videos of fat animals on youtube and gingerly sip tea and polish off most of a chocolate bar.. Good times. I’d say Im enjoying my first day home alone by myself but I actually dont really know what to do with myself. I know what I SHOULD do with myself. I didn’t mention in the last post that the pulled pork dinner we made used up every single dish in the house to the point where I was using plastic container lids as plates for certain things… oy veh.

Last night it was so windy. The windows were shut up tight but every time there was a gale the curtains moved. It kept waking me up worried about ghosts howling around the house. This morning I went out onto the deck with the poodles to survey the devastation. There were bloody wind chimes EVERYWHERE. Two of the potted palms were lying on their side looking sad and awkward. Lying down on the job EH! Bloody palms.

Speaking of palms!

I dropped CB off at his first day of work today. We left early enough to have coffee together, which was nice. On the way back I decided to get some exercise in and followed these random steps in an arcade. They led to a little walking path with moss covered benches and a copy of a Michelangelo sculpture of Moses. He was wearing bright pink lipstick, had two rosy cheeks drawn on and his toe nails even matched, clutching what I can only assume is his diary. Adorable. He had kind of an “Oh No You Didnt!” look on his face, like the guy next to him just farted.

I love Michaelangelo sculptures because of the veins. He always does these huge curling beards, big long toes, and forearms covered in thick, snake sized veins. Its attractive and disgusting all at once. I also noticed that Moses had a crazy hairstyle, like two horns on top of his head. But not really horns. I googled it when I got home. A few websites said that old Mikey gave moses horns on purpose,

“Moses is depicted with horns, as opposed to “the radiance of the Lord”, due to the similarity in the Hebrew between the word for “beams of light” and “horns”. This kind of iconographic symbolism was common in early sacred art, and in this case was easier for the sculptor (as sculpting concrete horns is easier than sculpting rays of light) and would have been understood by all who saw it as referring to the radiance of Moses’ face; they would not have actually thought that he had horns.”

But, this is a cooler explanation:

“[The statue] never had horns. The artist had planned Moses as a masterpiece not only of sculpture, but also of special optical effects worthy of any Hollywood movie. For this reason, the piece had to be elevated and facing straight forward, looking in the direcion of the front door of the basilica. The two protrusions on the head would have been invisible to the viewer looking up from the floor below — the only thing that would have been seen was the light reflected off of them.” – Rabbi Benjamin Blechi, Sistine Secrets

Neato. SPESH FX!

And then there is MY theory, that Michaeangelo, being a total gossip, wanted to let everyone know what a horny old bastared Moses was. Sacreligious? I can’t even spell the word.

Art history is tops with me.

The path was lined with giant palm trees, 25 or 30 feet tall. The windy night had knocked up dozens of dead branches and they looked like big brown bony fish skeletons all over the grass. I picked one up and poked at its squidgy insides. Cool. Each palm tree was like it’s own little ecosystem. They had moss on the trunk, and just under it’s palm leaves were a variety of other plants. Most notably an entire rubber tree plant, dangling 30 feet up in the air. It was a nice little park, and going up its 124 steps was good exercise. Yes I counted, I don’t get out much, and it’s the small things I take pride in. Mostly because of the drought of large things to be proud of.

I walked by this store I like and peeked in. Inside they have a present I want to buy myself when I do something I deem deserving of it. It’s a little red and pink tea cup with a robin painted on it, made by a dutch company. I don’t often want things, (for the execption of my strawberry man angel statue and that lego haunted mansion) but Ive formed some kind of attachment to this mug and I really would love to have it and drink tea out of it every day. They also make plates, sugar bowls, and pretzel bowls. The pretzel bowl is nice but I don’t want to be greedy. Also I have bad associations with pretzels.. but thats a story for another blog… never this one.

Well, its 2:30 so.. time to get elbow deep in pork slime and dried cabbage bits! WOO! Peace out.


Author: Kara Lalalala

I write this blog for my family cause I am terrible at letters & emails.

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