The Shizz

102

Fart. Everything is a fart.

I haven’t written a blog in almost a month. Everything keeps being a bunch of butts and no one wants to read some whiney girl mouth diarrhea instead of a cool blog with neat pics and rad graphics. Today was the ultimate in sad lifedom though. 6am cold rainy morning, car is dead.. can’t get to work.. no money so no taxi to work, no groceries and no food in our tums. Called work to let them know I wasnt going to be there, was not met with much.. support and approval, we shall say. My stomach was eating itself so I opened the fridge and stared at the singular cabbage and rotting feijoa forlornly. I looked around at our house full of dirty laundry because we still havent had time or money to get a washing machine. I feel tired and homesick and Im freezing my balls off in this bloody cardboard kiwi house this winter. Bahhh how did it get like this.. so then, I had a rage nap. You know when youre just so overwhelmingly depressed and angry that your body just shuts down and makes you go to sleep, and have tooth grinding weird nightmares with incredibly realistic “screwdriver in the eye socket of your attacker” type shenanigans.. you know what I mean right? Sigh.

But then I got a call from my brother on Skype! I havent talked to him with my voice in about a year. Which is insane. He was at my Aunt Chris’ and I even got to see my cousins on the cam. They were beige blurrs, but it was great anyway. Mostly I just ranted about my frustrating job and my stink house which right now resembles a crack den. Our little space heater can only heat up our bedroom so we have fleece blankets on all the windows and doors.. classy. I regretted my ranting later because I don’t want my family to know I’m failing at life. I am, big time, but hopefully only for.. right now. Actually life is failing me. Hopefully it will get better. I’m just down in the dumps now. All I want is job that doesn’t completely suck the life out of me making nice food for people, a quiet place to come home to, my CB happy, a fridge full of food, clean underpants, a car that goes vroom not “putt putt– death..” my family at my fingertips and a bit of sunshine wouldnt hurt. Too much to ask, universe? OH! And no horrible diseases, ya?

Come on, Universe! PLEEEEEEEEEASE! DAMN IT WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME!

In other exciting news, I have been dairy free for 8 days. Thats the longest I have ever, ever, EVER gone in my life without filling my mouth up with ice cream and screaming orgasmically at the sweet sweet nectar of cow boobies. My football sized gut puff has disappeared and Ive lost about 4 inches around my waist because of it. Lets see if I can keep it up. Along the healthy eating front I am also doing well. Im too busy to eat, but avoiding dairy means I usually just eat meat and vegetables, which is good. Being poor also helps. Today my dinner was the dusty can of “Morrocan Chickpeas” that I got from a clearance store for 45 cents 6 months ago and some sausages I found in the back of the freezer. Added a little ketchup and garlic powder and it was actually kind of delicious. I have also been a complete GENIUS!

OKAY SO ILL TELL YOU WHY!

SO. I make a lot of tea. And as those close to me know, its more out of habit or ritual than for sustenance. I make the tea, and then what I like to do is instantly forget about it and wander off only to find my cold tea an hour later and swear outloud. Its my thang, its what I do. BUT I have channeled this poor behaviour into goodness. Now, I take that cold tea and I pour it into a bottle I keep in the fridge and by the end of the week I have a bottle of iced tea! GENIUS! Yeah Im drinking week old tea, but it’s all good.

Anyway. Back to my story. My brother said I need to write more blogs because he misses me and Im crap at emails, which is why I started this blog in the first place. Im sorry family that I have neglected you. I just wanted to save this blog for adventure not moaning tales of woe. And I had no adventures, unless visits to the mechanic to give him all our money is adventurous. So I promise Ill be better at my blog. And my job. And doing laundry. And dishes. And my life. I promise.

Also. My brother is being all successful real life television script writer lately. Jetsetting to exotic locales, writing webseries, arranging meetings with big time producers, adapting movie scripts, being offered full rides to masters programs at universities, and being a general badass right now. So I want to say CONGRATS BBOT YOU ARE THE SHIT!

 

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Author: Kara Lalalala

I write this blog for my family cause I am terrible at letters & emails.

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