Going Off Island

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Good evening gents!

I’m coming to you tonight LIVE from under the covers of my bed! Where I am currently holed up, in a feverish delirium; a wad of kleenex shoved up each nostril, snuffling around like some mad bagder. I like it under here. Feels safe. Like a polyester womb. The small space is dark, and warm, and filling it with my hot sick breath is providing me with a most suitable moist climate. Everything hurts. My scalp aches! My teeth feel loose. Just the effort of being alive is causing me to make sad grunting noises. I fear I may be ill.

By some miracle of Baby Jesus I managed to nip out of work early. I was getting winded from scooping cookies and my coworkers were saying charming things like “good god you look like a miserable pile!” So I cleaned up and called CB to come fetch me. At home I thought about just shoving tampons up my nose and downing the bottle of pills and calling it a night. But I’m trying the more holistic method of just sweating the disease out. Mumbling and twitching all the way.  I’ve been trying to sleep but have just been hallucinating a serious of dreams as Youtube Videos where in if I like one I click a thing I like in the dream video and it presents me with another related dream video. Two rabbits were singing together on these lime green chairs and I thought OH I LIKE THOSE *CLICK* And it took me to another video starring these chairs. Not very eventful but the new dream format was appreciated, brain.

I’ve gone through all of the toilet paper in the house. I have no idea what we are going to do when its time for ol’ brown to come to town, but I’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.

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This is all because we made the mistake of going off island, into the dirty disease carrying public. There, that’s the vessel, that took us away to meet our snotty doom. The Beaumont ferry. We waited for 6 hours in the car while they unstuck it out of the ice and were the last people all weekend to actually make it across. Coming back was a whole ‘nother thing. Is that a phrase? Looks wrong. Anyway.

Yeah, we went off to serve desserts at an event at a ski hill on friday night. We kicked everyones ass, and everyone loved our desserts. I made friends with other pastry ladies from Newfoundland which was awesome. I wanted to marry them all. CB came along as my Sous Chef and was large and charming, as usual. I made friends by bringing about 150 cookies just for the staff at the resort, and they were so happy. I also left them about 50 figgy duffs and a pot of rum sauce which made them even MORE happy! By the end of the night I was double fisting chocolate martinis and chugging pecan pies and making friends with everyone. I came back with a few emails, 4 job offers, an offer of a free nights stay at a 5 star hotel and a banner with my FACE ON IT! So yeah, it was rad.

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Looks, ski hill and dining room melded together. ARTISTIC.

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Then we did a stupid thing, we tried to get home. With the ferry blocking the ice everyone was trapped either on or off the island. So we got put up in a Comfort Inn for the night and had a pizza party!

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We also tried a traditional Newfoundland food. A Football of Donair. It was.. sweeter.. than expected.

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PEANUT BUTTER SQUARES!

We watched Enders Game. What a fucking fart movie that was.

After about 14 more hours waiting in various places in our car, and 6 or 7 more hours of driving back and forth, we managed to get home. The ferry couldnt get unstuck because apparently there is only one Ice Breaking vessel for the entire East Coast and it was down in labrador doing the major ferry way though. We almost took a helicopter! But it started snowing. Apparently helicopters arent bad ass enough to handle a couple of fwuffy widdle snow fwakes. Wahhhh. Would have been cool though, damn. I’m sure there will be a next time though..

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We ended up taking a little airplane, and leaving our car behind. As fate would have it a coworker of mine was coming off the plane as we were getting on and I just threw her my keys at her snd shouted the licence plate number. They had a ride for the weekend, and parked our car on the ferry today once the ice breaker finally showed up. The plane was TERRIFYING! It was like sitting in a tin can with wings. When they sprayed de-icer to get the ice off the wings, it soaked my pants THROUGH the plane. Eeee. There was a family with a brand new baby on board, super fresh, just out of the oven. This one lady with a perm and Tammy Fay eyes was nervous about flying talked constantly. She kept grabbing my knee and saying things to the new family like “Well if we do go down atleast you have the whole family with you! What more could you want! And she’s only been alive a couple of days so….”

Yikes.

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Tim, our hero, left work to pick us up when the plane landed. We didnt die, yay! We went straight to bed for a nap, we were too pooped to poop. I had just gotten up to put the kettle on when I heard a knock at the door. It was CB’s boss from the bakery! An old lady from the island came in to teach him how to make white bread loaves today and he came over to give us one. It was delicious. Soft and fluffy and perfect. So we had toast and tea for dinner. It was beautiful.

It’s good to be home.

P.S The ice breaker arrived today, YAY! It was MASSIVE and covered in maple leafs!

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Author: Kara Lalalala

I write this blog for my family cause I am terrible at letters & emails.

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