Bleach Buddies

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What was a gorgeous sunny day has very quickly turned grey and cold with a wind that smells of electricity and rain.

Oh well, I’m stuck inside anyway, scrubbing away like a good little scrub. Bleach is my friend. Bleach fixes everything! J’adore le bleach, et c’est mon amie! Beacoup le bien grenouille sur le croustille! Perhaps I have spent too much time on my knees worshipping bleach today, I’ve gone all French in the head.

I’m going to miss this moldy old house in the middle of the jungle. While it was still warm and sunny this morning I snuck out while breakfast sizzled away and took a couple of pictures. Even though its full of black spiders the size of of basketballs and its bitchingly chilly at night, when it’s sunny its stupid beautiful. In the morning when the sun first hits it and all the wood of it shudders and creaks like me getting out of bed in the morning, is nice.

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And there’s so many birds! I sat outside on the porch yesterday with an ear out for the hum of CB’s motorcycle heading down the driveway and all I could hear is goddamn twitters and tweets. I saw Gregory my fat wood pigeon attempting a graceful landing on a sapling that just swayed with his weight straight down to the ground. I saw beautiful white doves, some honking ducks, and a partridge, tuis, finches, fantails, sparrows, and screeching parrots all in the span 5 minutes.

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I’m so gay for dewy spiderwebs. Its like.. you HAVE to take a picture if you seen one.

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Some sad little daffodil unwrapping itself.

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I love the look of those pom pom palms, they look like something out of fraggle rock or something. I also love the look of those ferns when their heads fall off and they are just strange tubes shooting out of the foliage.

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A rose starting to rot, all the while looking very symmetrical and pink.

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The view from our old green couch of our old green chair. As you can see, in the time it’s taken me to write this the weather has gotten sunny again.¬† A very cool thing is happening where I can see the rain blowing around the valley like a weird foggy mist but it’s not showering yet. Actually, even stranger, it’s not raining, the mist is being sucked upwards off of the pine trees into the clouds. Its very pretty to watch. Im off to wander around in circles barefoot on the lawn talking to myself until CB gets home from motorcycle laundry!

C-YA SUCKRZ

Pork Roast + Sunsets = Romance

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The sky was so pretty tonight it looked like a painted back drop.

I’ve had the better part of 4 days off with my precious bearded one and it has been lovely. But, as he growled off¬† into the sunset to work on his little suzuki, sweater all warm from hugs and backpack full of donuts for the guys, I felt like it really wasn’t enough. We made the most of it though! Spent lots of time farting about in the sun, curdled up on the couch watching David Attenborough tell us all about how totally nasty spiders are, or cooking together. That was my favourite bit because we haven’t done that in a long time. We made some proper warm up your guts winter food and ate it while making noises.

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This morning we got a nice big old roll of pork tenderloin from the butchers. It was beautiful. I gave it a sensual oil massage and rubbed rock salt into the skin. Then we roasted it up until it was golden brown and crispy. The smell in the house was intense and I was literally jumping up and down in front of the oven with excitement like goddamn Santa Claus was going to come out.

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Dummmmm dummm DUMMMM! Seriously.. it was even better than it looks.

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Skin so crunchy it klinked like pork glass when CB gave it a tap with the knife.

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Hog heaven.

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It also made the best gravy of my LIFE! (Sorry mom, but you would have been jealous)

As we ate CB commented that he wishes he could take credit for this masterpiece, but the credit is entirely due to whatever awesome little pig friend made this with his porky bod. The crackling was amazing, but no human being should eat that much crispy pig skin so the bulk of it, sadly enough, went into a soup stock for later this week. I know, sacrilege, but we are trying to be healthy and aside from all the pictures of donuts and gravy on here lately it’s working pretty well!

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I don’t know why, but I thought I would take a picture of our chair. Its really comfy and good for drinking tea in and flipping through seed catalogues like an old cat lady.

Once CB left for work I took the opportunity to go buy a new pair of pants. I’m down to just the one, and its kind of embarrassing. I feel like if I wear them with cuffs one day and none the next people will be fooled into thinking I have two pairs of the same pants… I doubt it’s fooling anybody, but I also doubt anyone is paying any attention to my pants anyway so its all good in the hood. Anyway, I took my sad booty to the mall, which is so tedious I like to spare CB from the indignity of watching me try on pants and proceed to then spend 85 minutes staring into the depressing department store mirror adjusting the crotch area trying to find that sweet spot where it doesnt bunch or billow weird.. I can do that on my own. Success! I came out with a pair of jeans that actually fit so VICTORY IS MINE! In the spirit of buying jeans that fit I also managed to avoid going to Yoghurt Story and eating tiramisu frozen yoghurt covered in gummi bears by myself in the food court. So, also, small victory there. Things are looking up, for this gal! Self control, you shall be mine some day! Christ this is sounding like Bridget Jones started working for the Pork Board of Canada or something.

Oh! On the way into Henderson I have to come down through the ranges and at one point I was driving on a ridge between two valleys. On one side was the city, with it’s millions of sparkling gold and pink lights under the turquoise sky and on the other side was the sunset that almost identically matched the colours. It was so striking I almost crashed into a mail box.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a date with Mr. Attenborough and some bug that wears the carcasses of its dead prey as a costume. Sounds like a romantic evening continues..

Kumera Doughnuts

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Remember my promise to be healthy.. well.. ignore it for the next few minutes, because we did something bad…

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DOUGHNUTTTTTTTTTTTSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!

And then.. we made it worse..

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It all started off with one of my favourite lazy morning day off activities, a brainstorming session over coffee about fine french desserts. We talked about beignets. Then we talked about kumera beignets. And then I bought a kumera.. and then I made doughnuts with it.. and CB made pork patties with garlic, salt & pepper, smoked paprika and marjoram like a breakfast sausage burger. And we put on the doughnut… with cheese.. and an apple.. and we ate it.. and we ate another one.. and another one.. we ate 6 of them… and then, we gave eachother fat greasy high fives while crying.

And then, while CB was on the couch with doughnut burger induced paralysis, I snuck into the kitchen and made the worlds fastest doughnut glaze, glazed the rest, and had a couple more for good measure.

In America, a cheeseburger made on a Krispy Creme doughnut is called a Luther Vandross. In New Zealand, I think it should be called a Che Fu. CB knows Che Fu, so maybe this weekend he’ll ask him if that’s okay. He’s a White Lady regular, soooo I have a feeling, he’ll be cool with it.

These little bad boys are soft, tender and sexy inside and crispy outside. They aren’t greasy at all, and have a gorgeous kumera flavour with a soft background flavour of coconut. Kumera is like a sweet potato, the only difference I can see is that its not as sweet and cooks much faster. So you can eat your doughnuts and still get in a serving of veg!

Kumera Doughnuts

Time: 30 minutes prep, 2-4 hours rising time, 30 minutes frying

Yield: 2 dozen 3″ doughnuts

Cost: < $5

1 medium kumera, or sweet potato, or about 2 cups of mash

1/2 cup brown sugar

Squirt of lemon juice

1 cup coconut cream

1 egg

3 tbsp butter

1 tbsp yeast

6 cups flour

2 cups of canola oil for frying

Chop the kumera into pieces about 2cm large and put them into a little saucepan. Cook them on medium along with the brown sugar and lemon juice until soft and squishable, about 10 minutes. At the point either puree or mash them up real well with the back of a fork. Transfer to a large bowl and pour on the coconut cream. This should cool the mixture down to about blood temperature. If its still quite warm, leave it sit for a few minutes, stirring occasionally, until its about 90-98 degrees.

Sprinkle the yeast over the kumera mash mix and stir well. Add a beaten egg and room temperature butter and stir. Sprinkle your flour over, about a cup at a time, while mixing with your hand. Once all the flour is mixed in, you can start kneading your dough. Knead on a lightly floured surface for at least 10 minutes.

Transfer to a well oiled or buttered bowl, cover with a tea towel, plastic wrap or in my case, Avengers t-shirt and place in a nice warm place to rise. My house is freezing right now so Ive found a spot of sun for it to sit in. Let it double in size.

Punch it down, give it a couple of good kneads to redistribute the yeast. Roll it out about 3/4 of an inch thick, and cut out ya ‘nuts. Put them in a warm spot, covered with a clean tea towel and let rise about 30 minutes until fat and fluffy. Meanwhile, heat your oil to 180 degrees. If you dont have a thermometer, you know its ready when you drop a wee drop of water in it and it sizzles instantly. I always make a few rough little balls of leftover dough to test the temperature of the oil. You want it to start to brown and bubble around the edges of dough almost instantly, but not to get too dark. Usually the first one is too light or too dark but good for snacks.

Quick Coconut Glaze

2 cups icing sugar

4 tbsp hot melted butter

All of your leftover coconut cream– you want to add just enough to make it thin enough to dip, but stay thick enough to stick to the doughnut.

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Maybe I Love Someone Who is Oatmeal, Kara!

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Days off days off days OFF!

Get ya butt out! Get ya booty plugged in! Shake your pants up! Shake your pants up! Show me all your good stuff! YEAH!

So.. Its my days off. It’s pretty exciting. We’ve mostly been running errands, washing our dirty stinking laundry. Which actually cleaned our house at the same time, because once all the piles of grubby t-shirts were removed everything was spotlessly tidy!

Check out that fish and chips. It was REEL delicious! Hahaha…

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Come to me, you sweet white fleshy goodness.. ommmmmanommmm… Also we saw a poster in the fish shop for a Hangi on saturday, so we are going to eat SO good on saturday! Pork, and veggies that taste like pork, and pork stuffing, fried bread for putting our pork on.. yeahhhhh

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Everything in new zealand looks like this. Seriously, there is like moss and lichen and furry green tendrils of fuzz on everything. Anyway I thought it was cool enough to take a picture of. May have been mistaken..

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So that weird thing randomly growing out of our lawn that I thought was some kind of asparagus is turning into an alien apparently.

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4 months in and our celery still isnt done yet.. OH OH OH! But I got a seed catalogue in the mail– well, it was adressed to come bitch named Miriam but I feel like she’d want me to have it– and Im going to order me some seeds. And make baby plants in my green house. And plant them in my garden, wait until they grow up, then mercilessly kill and eat them with salt and pepper like it ain’t no thang.

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Cute, a little pink pom pom flower.

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Ferns R funs.

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This is my Gregory being all shy and stuff. I started loudly having a conversation with him, cause I thought we were buds, and he got all bent out of shape and flew his tubby nubbiny butt outta there. I miss him.

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Then I heard all this crazy annoying commotion above me and I was like what the heck is happening. And then I noticed that this big old tree was completely covered in parrots! RAINBOW PARROTS! Lorikeets I presume. But they were going apeshit over these pink flowers. I couldnt get a good picture, but believe me, there was at least an infinite amount of parrots in that tree. It was like looking at a goddamn Hawaiian shirt up there. But I had to get a closer look..

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Ten minutes of stomping through the woods, getting clothes lined by vines in the neck and guts and falling barefoot into what may have been just piles of dead worms in there I gave up my quest. BUT I got a picture of the flowers there were going crazy for. Now SHUSH I’m making doughnuts and youre distracting me!!!

BRB.

Sunshowers

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Soooooooo… I dunno if you guys noticed… but those are bananas.. Bananas that are growing freshly fresh IN MY BACKYARD BETCHESSSSSSSS! Banana’s in my backyard. When I found them I dropped my pants with excitement. “Incroyable, les bananes!” I exclaimed inexplicably en francais. And then I ran full tilt into the house and dragged CB out to see them. He was not even half as excited as me. But I guess no one on the planet ever is ever anyway.. sigh.. BANANAS! I’m going to pick those mothers and eat them up on like yoghurt or something. Or cook them in caramel and put them on coconut ice cream.. oh baby..

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We got back in the house just in time, just dodging a random afternoon 5 minute long sunshower of beautiousness.

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I took some “artistic” pictures. But I’m too dumb to know about art, so I just farted a bunch of times

HEY I JUST LEFT TO SCOPE OUT SOME PARROTS THAT WERE BEING SO NOISY AND CB WROTE THAT ILLEGALLY WITHOUT THE AUTHORS CONSENT. Accurate but unnecessarily¬† spiteful…

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Its like your eyes are drunk and suntanned.. wooooahhhh

Chasing Waterfalls

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For weeks Ive been whining at CB to go hiking with me to this mysterious waterfall that is supposedly at the end of our road. Finally he relented, but I had to get him a blanket and sit and watch an episode of Top Gear on the couch before we went. They drove a Toyota Corolla through NZ and raced a sail boat to the northern tip which was cool to see. Jeremy Clarkson drives just like me. Like a maniac.

So then we were ready to go! We both had pants on, I had a knife in my pocket, and TWO t-shirts on in case it got cold while on our adventure. But then we remembered we didnt really actually know where we were going. So we google mapped it. And all the map showed with a bunch of trees. So we were like.. we’ll just go wander the field beside the house. IN SEARCH FOR PIGS!

ADVENTURE!!!

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There were trees!

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There were ferns!

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There were ferns on ferns!

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We hiked through the butt-height grass of the field to the very perimeter. On our way we found clear evidence of pigs. For there were pig sized trails through the grass that led to pig sized poop. We were close. We found the gate in the fence that would lead us to where I knew there were pigs– the creek! Piggies gotta drink.

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It was way tangly. Like my hair in the morning, only made of trees and I was in it instead of under it. It was muddy and slippery. I walked through spiderwebs and put my hand on really squishy mushrooms. But I stayed strong and on mission. The little trail we were following through the ferns was definitely not people sized but PIG SIZED. Or really small, fat people sized… Hmm did not think of that at the time. I’m glad because thats creepy.

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In here the vines were so thick that the sun was like a ghost in the darkness. I could hear babbling though, like the babbling of a broook??? Or the babbling of tiny short fat woodland people… god why didn’t I think of that at the time!! THATS SO CREEPY!

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It was a strange place to be in, the forest. From our house it just looks like some trees and gorse. You don’t realize until youre ass deep in decaying palm fronds how dense and carnivorous a place it actually is. The forest is in a perpetual state of eating itself. Palms grow up through the peaty forest floor, become covered with moss and strangled by vines, falling back onto the forest floor where more palms grow out of its dead corpsey plant body. Creepy. It was also dead quiet, no birds or bugs, and NO PIGS!

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Giant nets of vines hung from tree to tree and at times it felt like they were somehow grabbing us on purpose. CB had to wiggle to get them off his jacket. Which was funny. And then we finally got to the creek! And we found….

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A WATERFALL!!! WE FOUND A WATERFALL! A tiny, muddle little trickle of a water fall but it still was magical. No pigs though.. so our mission to find the mysterious night porks continue..

Days Off!

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You know what I love? Not being at work! I’ve had two awesome days off, and enjoyed every minute of it. Yesterday we rolled out of bed late and had a breakfast date together. And then, we decided to go to the movies, which is always great. We had some time to waste before it started so we perused the toy store and I wore an Iron Man mask and played with tiny plastic dinosaurs. Then we went to the electronics stores and I touched all kinds of expensive things with my grubby little fingers. And then we went to the pet store, and met the love of my LIFE. A little black poodle pup saw me and instantly knew that I would kidnap it and we would spend our days frollicking and sharing ice creams and having fleas together. The pet store girl opened up her little cubby hole and I held the wee poodle on my chest like a little warm furry bottle of guts! So cute. And then when I was finished squishing the puppy and calling it strange things, we went to see SUPERMAN!

And it was just super, man.

So much handsome is happening there with the face and the chest and the arms and the abs. Oh my. That movie was awesome. Maybe even better than Batman. YEAH I SAID IT, SO WHAT! Did Batman throw a train through a Sears and then end up in space using a satellite to punt some baddie in the plums? Nope, do not remember that happening, but he does have Alfred. Alfred is cool.

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And then, I rode a motorcycle around in the sunshine like some total badass.

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Leader of the pack, putt putt…

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Who’s got two thumbs and rode a motorcyle like a pro without even crying? This gal. The helmet squishes my cheeks in real tight and gives me permanent chubby face. Its pretty rebellious and cool.

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Then we came home and I sat out on the fence and imagined frollicking through the fields with my best friend dog forever who I totally don’t even want to kidnap and keep for myself…

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Then I learned all about the BEARDS AND THE BEES. Lulz.

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Cuppa tea, anyone?

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Getting in the last of the sunshine of the day, in case it rained tomorrow.

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These little purple flowers were pretty but I touched them and my hands smelled like butts all night.

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The End.