Loving The Alien

In January I had wanted to make a blog about my birthday. Im always super psyched for it and have maximum levels of fun on my b-day. We had planned to go to the Wildlife Park to see my favourite Deer friend and “adopt” him, and then have a pizza party for lunch, and then watch movies with pop & chips party dance all night. But I woke up in the morning of the 11th and David Bowie had died.

It hurt instantly like being shot with sadness right in the guts. A cold hand squeezing hard on my soft pulpy heart. It really felt like losing a good friend…  or a crazy uncle I hardly saw but loved and would send me weird presents from exotic locales… or a 5th grandparent maybe. It felt close to home, and it hurt more than I thought it would. David Bowie was one of my peeps. He was my Original Weirdo. When I felt like an alien, I knew at least he was from the same planet. I felt so sad that morning for all the freaky weirdos who I knew loved him for the same reasons as me, because now we will be that much more lonely.

When other little girls were dressing up as princesses, I was taking my fashion cues from the Thin White Duke. I bet you can’t even tell who is who!?

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One of my first memories is of being a baby Karalalala and sitting in the dark on my bedroom floor playing with a Fischer-Price casette player. Prized possession at the time, right up there with Squeeky Bear and my rock collection. Little red plastic microphone in hand, I was in the midst of recording an EPIC tale in flawless baby gibberish involving lava and monsters over top of one of my dad’s tapes. A young hobby of mine after my dad showed me how to do it.. I don’t think he realized he would soon lose many of his tapes to baby nonsense.

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The tape was Ziggy Stardust & the Spiders from Mars and I remember pressing the wrong buttons and the song It Ain’t Easy came on. Suddenly, I imagined myself on top of a mountain, looking out over the sea. Thinking about the places perhaps, where a young man could be.. and what is a hoochie-koochie woman? And then Lady Stardust came on… and I couldn’t believe how much better that story was than mine. I stopped recording my crazy baby gibberish story and listened to the songs. And then my musical tastes broadened from Sharon Louis & Bram and Fred Penner to include this gorgeous glamrock space alien god. And then a few years later I saw The Labyrinth and had all kinds of confusing love and devotion to this androgynous King. I don’t think there was ever a period on my life where I got tired of listening to Bowie, or fell out of love with him. He always had something for me, no matter what colour my hair was or what music or books I was into or what my personality at the time was. He was all the flavours. It’s too bad some people can’t just earn immortality.

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Anyway, it was violently stormy out when we set off towards the Wildlife park. By the time we got there, the wind was gusting 120km/hr and I could barely see the road in front of me to get to the main building. Not a good day for taking pictures of chubby raccoons and derp-faced deer. So we turned around. The only bright spot of the sad morning was because he had passed, the radio played nothing but Bowie. Even though it kept making my eyes puffy and wet, I couldn’t have asked for anything cooler than the radio to play nothing but back-to-back Bowie the whole day. As if I was controlling all radio stations. So I spent the morning of the 31st year weeping uncontrollably and driving through a hurricane to see a deer. You stupid old bastard, why did you have to go on my birthday??

A woman called in to the radio to say the weather around the Louisbourgh lighthouse was insane. Since we were about 20 minutes away with no plans now, we headed there. It was mind blowing. Huge green waves shook the ground as they arched forwards and crashed into the rocks. As we drove up, and the spray went clear over our car. I took some videos but you cant really appreciate the scale of it all in such a small video. We sat and listened to the radio and watched the weather. I kept thinking, here in the car we are dry and safe and 5 feet ahead of us, we would be dead, violently crunched against the rocks. I started to feel better.

That he was born and died around my birthday makes me feel like he’s connected to it in a way, like I get to keep him, a bit. It was a strange, but kind of wonderful birthday in all its wild and sad ways.

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To end on a lighter note, here is a picture of my sweet ass shit kickers. My birthday boots!! Shiny pink patent leather and red plaid laces, just like I dreamed of. They are perfect. Bowie approved, I like to imagine.

 

Poots in Boots

PINK PATENT

 

Monday is my birthday.. day! The date of my birth! I feel like I’m probably too old to still get so excited about birthdays, but whatever. Last time this happened I turned 30.. and that was.. well I was happy, but apprehensive about the whole thing. That was before CB set up the living room so we could play Mario Kart (best game ever made, 2nd only to Goldeneye for N64) and fed me a double shot of whiskey and chocolate cake. After that I was much cooler with the whole idea of being an old wrinkle. My mom called to tease me about being 30 years old. I teased her about having a 30 year old daughter. Her laughter turned to distress, and I felt better. Her sadness sustains me.

This birthday, it’s old hat. Ive gotten over the big hump, it’s all down hill from here so bring on the cake, damn it! Up there is the things I would by myself if I was employed and full of cash money.

  1. Flourescent pink patent leather doc martens. DUH.
  2. This overly large kinda frumpy sweatshirt with a picture of a cat princess lording over her ice cream realm
  3. A small metal pin featuring a cat’s butthole that I think will look cool on my future motorcycle jacket. I dont know what we would call our gang……
  4. A beautiful cotton kimono, because they are pretty, and also have short sleeves so Im less likely to keep dipping them into my breakfast like I do with the ones on my giant fluffy housecoat
  5. This tiny handmade porcelain inuit girl and her pet husky dog
  6. A big ol ceramic whale to hold all my wooden spoons
  7. A super cool industrial looking touch lamp, because Im too lazy for buttons or strings when Im done reading up on my science facts before bed
  8. One of these le creuset coffee presses, in this bodacious greeny colour, because Id feel like a fucking rich ass fancy fucking boss ass bitch pouring my Folgers out of there. heartheartheart yeaaah

Anyway, I can wish for it all but mostly I just want one thing on this list. BECAUSE IM NOT GREEDY, SEE!? And with my birthday cash my mom shoved lovingly into my hand on the way to the airport I bought those docs. They are.. so so so wonderful I have wanted them forever, and also my old beat up blundstones are ruining my life. CB ordered them for me tonight, along with a pair of red plaid laces because nothing goes with patent pink leather quite like red plaid. I am going to be the belle of the ballers.

Thanks mom and dad! I think I might have enough left over to get that sweet cat pin too..

Okay enough of this wishful farting around. Time for bed for real this time. NIGHT!

Catching Up with Dr. J. Edward Slothman

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Oh haaaaaiiiii…

Man. I’m so laaaaazzzzyyy todayyyy. I am inert, dude. Truly lackadaisacal. Like operating in 100% sloth mode. When I move, it is akin to old farm equipment starting up on a cold winters day; all creaking, moaning, and cloud of pollutants puffing out the back end. Mrrahhhhh

Last night we had a sleep over– which is what we call it when I get all excited and move the mattress from our bedroom to another room in the house and we sleep where it lands. We really only have one other room though so its just plunked down in the living room in front of the TV.

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The Grand Tour!

CB got this little device dealy that you stick in the TV and you can broadcast youtube through it, so my morning has just been loud cartoons and Nikki Minaj videos on a larger screen. Which is fun. So colourful! So much butts! Despite that kind of beautiful awakening this morning I’m still rather haggard and laggard. Not to be a bragard.. Damn, I am a wordsmith.
This post is sponsored by YeOldeMedeivalEnglishThesaurus.com.

So I realize that for the exception of my brief photo essay on Chickens Using Power Tools, I haven’t posted anything in a long time. Soz, m8s. I have been busy! Ive had more than a month off! I haven’t had to scale flour or cast side eyes at coworkers dubious work habits in weeks! It’s been incredible. Instead, we drove 7,825km there and back, visiting family and friends. Google Maps estimates that to be about 98 hours in a car. You can imagine the mountain of Tim Hortons cups we amassed on our drive.

Next time, we will probably fly, but it was an adventure! A snowy, ice stormy, white knuckly sort of adventure. But we survived! And I got to fill up on family, which is good, because my family meter has been long empty. If I were a Sims character I would have been dancing around angrily and peeing myself long ago. If you do not understand that reference, you are not cool.

I missed my fam so much. Even though travelling took up most of our time so we could only have wee visits, it was still special. I missed my mom’s b-day but I still got to make her a cake, and share christmas with my family. That hasnt happened in about 9 years I think, since I started working in kitchens. BOO KITCHENS. No j/k they’re ok. My mom is better though.

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I got to play a millions games with my brother and sister. Got to have morning coffee’s with my dad!

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Pizza lunch with my Gram and Aunty Pat. Got to annoy my cousins while my Aunt Chris made us chicken parmasen for dinner! We ate every single ethnic food we saw. Dr. Phil and lasagna with CB’s nan! Finally we got to have breakfast at our friend Anthony’s restaurant, AMAZING! Then dinner with our friend Ima later on at his third restaurant. Successful bastard. Hugs and whistle dogs with our most best friend Jess who we havent seen in so long she’s gotten all married and become a teacher! Waaah! So many hugs. Im getting better at them now. They are actually pretty cool, hugs. I think that means I’m finally starting to grow as a human being.

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I got SWEET xmas presents! Like one of these bookmarks my sister made out of leather. We lost our old stink dog Oscar a few months ago and she made the three of us booksmarks with his neurotic dog face all over them. It looks exactly like him, she is so wicked with leather. Aw, Osc. I also got an adult fleece Onesie pajamas that I wear ever minute of my life now. If it’s one piece is it still “pajamas” or just a singular pajama? And I got a fishing rod! For to catch a fish! Because I showed great aptitude for that! CBs mom made me an awesome birthday quilt and for xmas gave me these tiny ceramic skunks, probably one of my favourite presents ever now. And my brother bought me a million books. Like literally a garbage bag full of books with a christmas bow on it. I have so many books now. Thanks, bro-bot!

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We spent a lot of time at christmas with CB’s fam. We got to be their annual boxing day bash, which is always fun! There was so much food and hiding from strangers! I drank a lot of whiskey.

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It was so warm for a week in December that Arlene’s chickens started laying eggs!! She thought someone was pranking her, hiding brown, shit covered eggs all over the place. Ha! She was so excited, it was great.

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And ate a million diner breakfasts! CB’s raison d’etre. That one was at a truck stop in Quebec, it came with breakfast meat pie! Oh I also ate so much pie. One day, I ate 4 different pieces of pie. I also gained 17 pounds this month. That is not a lie or gross exaggeration. It is just gross.

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Oh yeah..

Five days ago I officially became an old bag.

Sigh.

The big Three-Oh. A solemn dong from the Gong of Eternity sounding out through the din of time, in celebration of my ever shortening, but constant and inescapable, march towards death. CB MADE ME CAKE!

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Here he is spackling on the strawberry mousse frosting with a (very clean) drywall knife. It was chocolate, with strawberries and whiskey. YEEEEAHHH!

Now if youll excuse me, I think I will make a tea and see about maybe sporting some pants perhaps. Good day!

Panboozled

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I got a package in the mail today! It was PRESENTS! I love, getting mail, and I love, getting presents!

One day I will actually get home with enough time to actually call you to say thank you! The card made me laugh. I do like rum….

I always get these packages from CB’s mum and I dont think she actually wants me to open them because they are wrapped with an insane amount of packing tape. They are definitely waterproof, and as I found out this afternoon mostly Steak Knife proof! But I persevered and got it open. Inside there was 2 boxes of super yum tea. I drank a cup of the chocolate hazelnut one out of this poor lady’s head, in between bites of pork chop and sips of beer. Its nice!

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I’ve been thinking about switching careers and writing young adult sci-fi fantasy novels. So, ya know panda’s right? They are super cute, and terrible at making more of themselves. So what if we started cloning them? Everyone would want a panda! We could genetically engineer tiny tea cup pandas! They would replace puppies! Only we would have to start growing bamboo all over the place to feed them. But bamboo grows 6 inches a minute or some crazy thing like that, so soon the earth would be shrouded in a thick bamboo forest, and the pandas would rule! We would be slaves to their bumbling panda butts! It would be the end of man kind, we would slowly start to die off because we are terrible at eating bamboo. Soon we would only be in zoos until one day… pandas discover cloning..

OH. MY. GOD.

Do you see where Im going with this.. yeah. Science Fiction. Easy.

Dinner Time

It was cake.

 

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Mayonnaise cake, surprisingly pretty good. I guess not really surprising, mayo makes everything better.

We were sitting here eating cake for dinner, playing Grand Theft Auto and laughing about I dunno, probably farts, it’s usually farts. CB did one earlier that sounded like someone throwing a dime into a plastic bag, which was pretty great. And then I did one that CB thought was the sound of the coffee machine malfunctioning. And anyway, we thought to ourselves, we are kind of living like stoned teenagers.. and it’s pretty great.

I guess Peanut Day weekend is drawing to a close now. I will miss it, it was probably some of the best days off so far. Definite highlights were watching Miyazaki movies cross legged on the bed each with a bowl of popcorn and a giant glass of pop with EXTRA ice cubes. PONYO LOVES HAM! And then waking up the next morning in a fog, stumbling over beer bottles and other assorted celebratory paraphernalia to the bathroom where in the mirror I see myself with a perfect ice cream cake beard that I think is a style called “The Zappa”. It kinda worked for me. Now I promise I am going back to my original goal of looking like Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson with bodacious blonde hair a nice rack. LETS DO THIS!!!

 

Peanut Day!

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BIRTHDAY BIRTHDAY BIRTHDAY!

This weekend has been wicked. I had a birthday, so now I’m a whole year wiser. Like a sage or some kind of sensei. This became evident in our preparation, we were very smart– Ive never had my birthday off since I started working actually, so I planned to party hardcore. We got the staples.. ice cream cake, case of beer, a bag of McCain spicy curly fries, an industrial tub of epsom salts, a bottle of lactaid and downloaded a bunch of just.. terrible, terrible movies.

I woke up to Happy Birthdays from CB— oy that sounds like a euphemism for something, hahaha. No he just said happy birthday. And made me a sweet ass breakfast, followed by slices of ice cream cake, a hot shower and a nap. We went for a long drive because it was sunny and thats one of our favourite things to do together, like a couple of olds. I saw a huge fox, and it looked right at me with a serious stink eye. I took some pictures of some COOL ice and stuff.

Did I mention during my birthday weekend, every hour is potentially beer o’clock? It’s been great. I feel good, all the time!

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The highlight was making some serious Kara soul food though. My nan’s Macaroni and Cheese which I havent eaten in probably a decade or so. It’s very special, classic family recipe. I requested it most birthday, with a loaf of french bread and fancy drinks and black forest cake. Food for me is like eating with the person I associate it with. Its rarely the meal they are most proud of, but just something that had once made for me with love that is the strongest memory. My sister is tuna sandwiches at night, my brother is salmon, my nan is something I call Mush, or this macaroni and cheese. My bapa is ice cream cones, or fried wontons in the backseat of the car. My mom and dad are in every meal I make, it’s either a mom meal or a dad meal. Mom meals involve a beautiful main meat with lots of sides and make a ton of dishes. Dad meals are one pot cheese covered masterpieces, like imprompu cheese souffle or Hotdog & Hamburger casserole. Or mixing all the jell-o’s together in the name of science. Anyway, food is special, we all know that, but this dish is SUPER special. Sadly, I couldn’t remember her secret recipe, I had never written it down. Lucky for me, I found it on the inside of the Velveeta box!

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Only the finest cheeses come mixed together into a sherbert coloured cheese paste and formed into brick shapes! Mmmm.. Velveeta. When I was 14 I wanted to legally change my name to Velveeta. Viva Velveeta actually, I though the double V made me sound exotic and edgy.

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CB was super dubious that Velveeta could be used to make a food, but when he took a bite he looked like he was going to cry. I think I heard angels, and trumpets. It was perfect, just like I remembered. I didnt have time to make bread so we just had curly fries, which were unnecessary.

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The REAL good stuff is the next morning though, when you cut a hunk of the congealed cheesy macaroni mess out of the bowl and fry it up in a pan, browning all the cheese.. oh my god. That was our breakfast, with leftover meatballs. And then we slipped into a coma and had a hot nap for an hour before the cheese melted out of blood for a bit and we could move our limbs again.

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ICE CREAM CAKE! I’m 29 years old..

P.S if your new years resolution has had you eating salad with strained yoghurt sputum and goji berries on it, hahaha fuck you. You don’t need to lose anymore, silly! You have already lost.

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I wanted to document the longest curly fry and Im just including this blurry picture to annoy CB because while I was trying to be a serious photojournalist he was yelling at me about lighting and taking picture of a nasty brown string in front of a nasty brown wall and then started chasing me around the house while I screamed like a chimpanzee with a mouth full of curly fries. Haha CEEBS ITS POSTED NOW, EVERYONE CAN SEE IT! Mmm seu cronchy delicious.

Fuck this coffee is effective. *Cranks the Roy Orbison and sets my LUNGS TO STUN!*

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Oh lol right I also wanted to show you this. Yesterday morning CB started breakfast (by apparently just cranking the burner up with an empty cast iron pan on it) and went to get dressed. While he was gone I was sitting here minding my own business, checking my stock portfolio online.. watching a tea cup pig on a treadmill… he came back in the room and yelled WTF PEANUT WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU CAN’T YOU SEE THE SMOKE?! And I looked up and was like.. wha.. no.. wha? Look at this pig doing a work out it’s so cute! It says he is working on his HAMstrings can you believe this!

This was the kitchen, after airing it out:

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What can I say, I’m really into pigs, especially those inspiring others to take on a healthier lifestyle.

Yeah but mostly Ive just been maxxin’ and relaxxin’, getting my stress out. Catching up on the internet, hanging with CB, avoiding my homework. Yesterday I popped into work to do a for real real life photoshoot for a little old magazine called Chatelaine with the dudes, which was fun. I felt like The Tragically Hip or something. I walked in with hair that was washed, brushed and BLOW DRIED and everyone was like woah shit Kara you have hair. I remember my dad telling me that I am actually pretty when I brush my hairs, and it finally paid off! CB used to say my hair was like a yellow smoke around my head. Charmer, eh?

Anyway it was a pretty cool birthday. I got nothing I wanted but everything I needed. Yes mocha mud slide ice cream cake is a need.

Woah I bypassed the sugar jar and just dumped my sugar in straight from the bag. This will be my dessert coffee, to follow my breakfast coffees. Yeah. Yeah.

 

A Fine Selection of Cheeses

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Ran into the grocery store to get milk. Im making some bread later. Treated myself to a half price expired wheel of assorted spreadable cheeses. Isnt it beautiful? I couldn’t even wait til we got home to tuck into them. I was gleefully peeling away the tinfoil of my precious triangles, reveailing their pale nakedness and then biting them right on the tip! Humming happily to myself. Lalala, cheese friends. CB disapproves of my lifestyle.

Sometimes he makes me stand in the garbage.

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I have absolutely no pants on.

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Well hello there, I see Im not the only one in a shocking state of undress. What’s your name, my creamy little friend?

Oh eu actually that ones gross. Mustard flavour… bleh

On the way home, we stopped by the post office to pick up my mystery package!

It was a birthday card from my loving fams, FULL OF LOTTERY TICKETS!

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I’M RICH BIYATCH!

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This one is my favourite. Fat Cat. Fat Cat Givin me Fat Stacks O Cash Cat.

Cash

Has

Every

Damn

Dude

Actin’

Rude.

I WON THE LOTTERY!!!

THIRTEEN DOLLARS! I’ll have to mail it back to Ontario and have them cash all my sweet sweet winnings. And then SHOPPING SPREE!

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My card had a whoppee cushion in it. My family, showing their love with farts..

Won’t even need this after I polish off this wheel of cheese