Catching Up with Dr. J. Edward Slothman

slothman

 

Oh haaaaaiiiii…

Man. I’m so laaaaazzzzyyy todayyyy. I am inert, dude. Truly lackadaisacal. Like operating in 100% sloth mode. When I move, it is akin to old farm equipment starting up on a cold winters day; all creaking, moaning, and cloud of pollutants puffing out the back end. Mrrahhhhh

Last night we had a sleep over– which is what we call it when I get all excited and move the mattress from our bedroom to another room in the house and we sleep where it lands. We really only have one other room though so its just plunked down in the living room in front of the TV.

PANO_20150110_161338

The Grand Tour!

CB got this little device dealy that you stick in the TV and you can broadcast youtube through it, so my morning has just been loud cartoons and Nikki Minaj videos on a larger screen. Which is fun. So colourful! So much butts! Despite that kind of beautiful awakening this morning I’m still rather haggard and laggard. Not to be a bragard.. Damn, I am a wordsmith.
This post is sponsored by YeOldeMedeivalEnglishThesaurus.com.

So I realize that for the exception of my brief photo essay on Chickens Using Power Tools, I haven’t posted anything in a long time. Soz, m8s. I have been busy! Ive had more than a month off! I haven’t had to scale flour or cast side eyes at coworkers dubious work habits in weeks! It’s been incredible. Instead, we drove 7,825km there and back, visiting family and friends. Google Maps estimates that to be about 98 hours in a car. You can imagine the mountain of Tim Hortons cups we amassed on our drive.

Next time, we will probably fly, but it was an adventure! A snowy, ice stormy, white knuckly sort of adventure. But we survived! And I got to fill up on family, which is good, because my family meter has been long empty. If I were a Sims character I would have been dancing around angrily and peeing myself long ago. If you do not understand that reference, you are not cool.

I missed my fam so much. Even though travelling took up most of our time so we could only have wee visits, it was still special. I missed my mom’s b-day but I still got to make her a cake, and share christmas with my family. That hasnt happened in about 9 years I think, since I started working in kitchens. BOO KITCHENS. No j/k they’re ok. My mom is better though.

IMG_9882

I got to play a millions games with my brother and sister. Got to have morning coffee’s with my dad!

1419977374322

Pizza lunch with my Gram and Aunty Pat. Got to annoy my cousins while my Aunt Chris made us chicken parmasen for dinner! We ate every single ethnic food we saw. Dr. Phil and lasagna with CB’s nan! Finally we got to have breakfast at our friend Anthony’s restaurant, AMAZING! Then dinner with our friend Ima later on at his third restaurant. Successful bastard. Hugs and whistle dogs with our most best friend Jess who we havent seen in so long she’s gotten all married and become a teacher! Waaah! So many hugs. Im getting better at them now. They are actually pretty cool, hugs. I think that means I’m finally starting to grow as a human being.

IMG_9887

I got SWEET xmas presents! Like one of these bookmarks my sister made out of leather. We lost our old stink dog Oscar a few months ago and she made the three of us booksmarks with his neurotic dog face all over them. It looks exactly like him, she is so wicked with leather. Aw, Osc. I also got an adult fleece Onesie pajamas that I wear ever minute of my life now. If it’s one piece is it still “pajamas” or just a singular pajama? And I got a fishing rod! For to catch a fish! Because I showed great aptitude for that! CBs mom made me an awesome birthday quilt and for xmas gave me these tiny ceramic skunks, probably one of my favourite presents ever now. And my brother bought me a million books. Like literally a garbage bag full of books with a christmas bow on it. I have so many books now. Thanks, bro-bot!

_MG_9902

We spent a lot of time at christmas with CB’s fam. We got to be their annual boxing day bash, which is always fun! There was so much food and hiding from strangers! I drank a lot of whiskey.

_MG_9897

 

It was so warm for a week in December that Arlene’s chickens started laying eggs!! She thought someone was pranking her, hiding brown, shit covered eggs all over the place. Ha! She was so excited, it was great.

IMG_20150104_102728

And ate a million diner breakfasts! CB’s raison d’etre. That one was at a truck stop in Quebec, it came with breakfast meat pie! Oh I also ate so much pie. One day, I ate 4 different pieces of pie. I also gained 17 pounds this month. That is not a lie or gross exaggeration. It is just gross.

IMG_9926

Oh yeah..

Five days ago I officially became an old bag.

Sigh.

The big Three-Oh. A solemn dong from the Gong of Eternity sounding out through the din of time, in celebration of my ever shortening, but constant and inescapable, march towards death. CB MADE ME CAKE!

IMG_9923

Here he is spackling on the strawberry mousse frosting with a (very clean) drywall knife. It was chocolate, with strawberries and whiskey. YEEEEAHHH!

Now if youll excuse me, I think I will make a tea and see about maybe sporting some pants perhaps. Good day!

Advertisements

Bananarama

IMG_8752

Since moving into our new wee house all I have wanted to do is stay home and bake and paint. Our house is so fun! Theres a lawn and so much space in the kitchen and its easy to clean up! Our first week here we felt like we were on vacation and we’d have to go back to the trailer at any minute. I love this little place.

Anyway, the two things I have been wanting to bake the most is blueberry pie (donezo) and my favourite banana bread. Its not exactly the healthiest version of the after school snack but it is so quick, super moist and gets even better the longer it sits. It is an absolute assassin with some salty butter on top.

IMG_8756

 

My Favourite Banana Bread

Yield: 1 8×8 pan or 1 large loaf
Time: 45 minutes start to finish
Cost: <$5

2 1/2 cups flour
2 tsp baking soda
salt

2 cups sugar
4 eggs
1 cup oil
dash of vanilla
8 ripe bananas
2 tbsps sour cream

Preheat the oven to 350F and line your pan with parchment paper.

Mash bananas and sour cream together.

Mix dry ingredients together.

Beat sugar and eggs together for 10 minutes on medium speed. Drizzle in oil. Mix in walnuts, banana and creme fraiche. Fold in dry ingredients. Pour into pan.

Bake about 30 minutes. Longer if you are baking in a loaf pan.

Wait til it cools completely and eat with salty butter!

 

 

Smoosh’d

IMG_5623

AHHH I smoosh’d my cone. Bummer.

CB and I had TWO days off together! We spent the first one in Gander, buying things like sim cards and ya know, pants. For our butts. So our butts arent hanging out and stuff. It was .. awful, but the best thing is it’s over with! A lady body checked me in Walmart over a pair of mens underpants…

We had our first Fishman’s Brewis! Which is soaked hard tack bread, salt cod and  SCRUNCHINS! *opera singing* It has changed my whole life. Oh Brewis, of my life, brewis of my heart, BREWIS OF MY SOUL! Who knew rock hard bread soaked in water could be so tasty. Possibly the most delicious thing of all time, but I felt like I needed to run a marathon afterwards. We also went to Pizza Delight because I am weak in the knees for pizza..

Yesterday we went for a walk around Joe Batts and ate some nice things too. We got a PO box so we dont have to put our address as “The Trailer Behind The Wood Shop” on forms anymore. We had a nice lunch at Nicole’s Cafe. CB had chowder with a roll and a cup of tea, and I had a snow crab panani.. panini?? Pinana. Which was the BEST THING IN THE WORLD. For dessert we finally got to the ice cream store on it’s very last day of the season. I got two scoops, partridgeberry jam tart and molasses raisin bread. It had bits of bread in it! CRAZY! I was so distracted by the pure flavour that I crushed it in my powerful paws.

And then there was this..

IMG_5619

Midnight snack. Frozen Cadbury chocolate mousse cake, a box of oatmeal cream pies and earl grey & whisky hot toddies, like a boss. It’s all Emma’s fault and also on an unrelated note she may be the best roomie ever…

Stinky Daisy

Did you ever play that game as a kid, where you hold a buttercup underneath your chin to see “Who Likes Butter”? If made a yellow reflection you liked butter! WTF, kids.

Having left Old Bula in the capable hands of our mechanic Hans, I found myself with a few hours to kill today. I was pretty much confined to a half kilometre radius so I took a wee walk down Swanson Road to see the sights!

First stop was for some coffee at the Redwoods cafe. It’s been ages since CB and I had coffee there so it was nice to go back. I figured I could kill at least an hour there. I took some notes on some dessert ideas Ive bee having lately. I have piles of notebooks filled with phrases like “fennel pollen ice cream??” and lists of flavours for unborn macaron babies. Years from now when I pick them up they will make absolutely no sense to anyone, especially me. But it’s satisfying on some weird, anal retentive, level.

I secretly watched an old lady devour a plate of eggs benny by herself. She was all dolled up and tucked a paper napkin into the neck of her shirt before she ate. Something about watching a very ancient person enjoy food by themselves gives me emotions.

A duck came and sat with me, hoping I would share my coffee with it. Every so often one of the cafe employees would come out and clap her away, and she’d come back a few minutes later with another duck or two. Eventually there was a whole flock of hungry ducks and I was about to order coffee #3 when I decided that was probably my cue to go.

I wandered to this little shop I’ve been meaning to go into for months now. It’s called Retro something or other so it immediately pique’d my interest. It was awesome! So many cool old dusty ass things inside. I could have easily spent all our money on quirky lamp shades and retro clay tea pots. Also, SUPER racist black people dolls and ash trays, whats up with that NZ?

 

But I controlled myself. I haggled 2 beautiful cake books into my life though! A Wilton Cake Decorating book from 1960, and a collection of 100 favourite cake recipes from Australian Women’s Weekly. I sat in the sun with my bum in the wet grass and read my books. It was nice. Around me where buttercups, dozens of sparrows and hundreds of little stinky daisies peeking out at me from the grass with their gross yellow eyes.

 I hoarded all my Nanny’s recipes, but I don’t know what grandmas in this hemisphere used to bake so its research! I remember going through my nans old cookbooks, and they had already started to get warped colours so everything had that real 60’s and 70’s look to it. Kind of faded colours of avocado green and purple and turquoise. I still remember this one cake that was a really terrifying clowns face with an upside down ice cream cone for a hat. And the look of canapes in cookbooks from the 60’s is amazing. I could wallpaper my bedroom with pictures of 1960’s hor d’oeuvres, devilled eggs and pimento olives and radishes cut like roses and everything looks like a diagram of an atom. It all looks like wayyy too much work.

Kind of like these cream cheese canapes..

 

Check out that funky guitar cake, its wild. “Handsome cake, from a clever cake pan!”

 

This is my favourite cake in the book. I think that would be awesome to make today.

Something slightly sinister about this… Sorry it;s sideways, my photo editor is being a butthole. Just hold your lap top or monitor sideways and you’ll get it.

Don’t know why, but I have a fetish for wishing well cakes..

Now I’m off to have lunch with CB! See YA SUCKERS!

Tea & Cake

Spring has arrived in New Zealand but I think it forgot to bring the nice weather with it. Today is pretty grey, with a cold wind and I’m hiding from it. We’re spending our Sunday in the living room, wrapped up in blankets, covered in poodles watching daytime television. Its the perfect sort of day for a nice old fashioned tea cake.

This is not a fancy cake. I just chuck everything in a food processor and press a button. Spoon it into a parchment lined loaf, bundt or cake pan and let it do its thing in the oven. The cake has a soft, almost squidgy texture, which reminds me a little of pumpkin pie. Make sure to use persimmons that are nearly ready to burst they are so ripe, that’s when they have the nicest flavour and holds up against the whiskey I poured into the batter.

Its really lovely covered in some freshly whipped cream with a cup of sweet black tea.

Persimmon & Whiskey Cake

Time: < 1 hour
Yield: 1 Loaf or 8″ cake

3 ripe persimmons
3 eggs
1 cup brown sugar
3/4 cup butter
1/2 cup whiskey
1 cup raisins
2 cups flour
2 tsp baking soda
2 tsp salt
1 tsp nutmeg

In a small pot heat whiskey + butter until melted, add raisins and set aside.

Cut each nice ripe persimmon in half, and scoop out the insides into a food processor. Puree.

Add in eggs and sugar. Blend until smooth.

In a bowl combine your flour, baking soda and salt and give it a stir together.

Add your flour mix to the food processor. Pulse until well mixed. Pour in warmed butter, whiskey and raisin mix, and pulse just a couple of times to combine. If you over do it you’ll puree the raisins, and you just need to give them a bit of a chop.

Spoon batter out into a parchment lined loaf or cake pan and bake at 350F for around 45 minutes, until a knife inserted into the middle comes out clean.

Optional:

Beat 1 cup of heavy cream to medium peaks and spoon over the cake.

Zesty Mordant

Here’s a quick way to add a bit of colourful garnishes to your desserts. This only takes 10-15 minutes and the finished product keeps in an air tight container for a couple of weeks! Or 2 days, if you have a penchant for lemon candy.

La La Lemon

Candied Lemon

  • 2 large lemons
  • 1 cup sugar
  • 1 cup water

Prepare an ice-water bath; set aside.

Using a mandoline or very sharp knife, cut lemon into paper-thin slices; discard seeds and ends of rind. Or using a vegetable peeler, carefully peel off strips, and slice the strips thinly to make shreds of nice lemony loveliness.

Bring a medium saucepan of water to a rolling boil. Remove from heat, and add lemon slices; stir until softened, about 1 minute. This takes the bitterness out of the rind.

Scoop out with a strainer and immediately plunge slices into ice-water bath.

Bring sugar and water to a boil in a medium skillet, swirling to dissolve sugar. When liquid is clear and bubbling, reduce heat to medium-low.

Add lemon slices. Simmer, do not let boil, until rinds are translucent, about 1 hour.

Transfer to a baking sheet lined with parchment. Let stand until ready to serve. If using thin slices, toss them in sugar for a crunchy coating that will also keep the shredded lemon rinds separate.

Candied Lemon cooling beside Chocolate Pistachio Biscotti
Marmalade Cake with Butter Rum Frosting

5-minute Marmalade Cake

This cake is super fast and comes out rich and moist and tastes delicious. If you want a bitter marmalade taste, leave the skin of the grapefruit on.

2 oranges
1 grapefruit, peeled
1 lemon
1/2 cup orange juice
2 tbsp rum
1 cup brown sugar
1/4 cup butter
3 eggs
1 cup cocoa powder
2 1/2 cups flour
1 tbsp baking powder
2 tsp salt

Quarter the oranges and throw them in the food processor. Peel the grapefruit and lemon and add them in as well. Add in orange juice, rum, sugar, butter and eggs. Puree. Add in sifted flour, cocoa, baking powder, and salt and process until smooth. Pour into a 9 x 13 inch baking pan or bundt cake pan and bake at 350F 50-60 minutes.

Butter Rum Icing

1 cup butter, soft
1/4 cup rum
3 cups icing sugar

Whip butter until light in colour. Add icing sugar and rum and whip until fluffy.

Chunky Sexy Tang, Mang!



When I got to the farm it was prior to a grocery shop so the fridge was empty but for one, nubbly little pineapple. So I decided to MURDER IT WITH KNIVES.

I’ve been making pineapple upside down cakes all week for Winterlicious at the hotel. All Ive been seeing at work is pineapple after pineapple, so I just assumed the universe is screwin’ with me here. When the universe puts salt in your wound.. make a salty, blood cake? I don’t know what the moral is here, but this cake is damnably good. Its just sickly sweet this cake, which is always alright by me. The brown sugar and butter caramelize into a sauce and sink down into the cake, and all around the edges it gets crispy and tastes like crunchy bits of Werthers Originals and the pineapple gets soft and sexy. It’s nice. I like it.

Pineapple Upside Down Cake
Makes 1 8×8 cake pan
Time: 15 minutes prep, 30 minutes baking time

9 rings of pineapple, fresh or canned
1/2 cup melted butter
1 1/2 cups brown sugar

3 eggs
1/4 cup buttermilk
2 tsp vanilla + a dash or two of rum

1 1/2 cups flour
1 1/2 cups sugar
1 1/2 tsp baking powder
1 1/2 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt

1/2 cup soft butter
1/2 cup buttermilk

Mix together melted butter and brown sugar. Pour in bottom of parchment lined pan. Place pineapple rings 3×3 in the pan. Put a cherry in the middle of each ring if you have them.

Whisk together  eggs, 1/2 cup buttermilk and vanilla in a small bowl with a fork.

In bowl of mixer whisk together flour, sugar, baking powder, baking soda and salt. Add in softened butter and buttermilk. Beat on low speed until moistened and then on medium speed for 1 1/2 minutes until you have a stiff batter.

Add 1/3 of the egg mixture at a time, beating for 20 seconds and scraping down the bowl after each addition.

Pour out batter on top of pineapples in pan and spread evenly.

Bake at 350 until a toothpick stuck in the centre comes out clean, 30-40 minutes.

Let cool 5 minutes from the oven before unmoulding on to a plate. Pour any juices on top of cake.

** This would also be amazing with chunks of apple and a bit of cinnamon added into the batter!

Here’s one I made at work before it went into the oven. This cake reminds me of my Gram, who is the only person I know who used to make, and LOVE this cake. Its so visually appealing, I want to wallpaper my bedroom with this!