Beouf Balls

Possibly the worst advertisement for honey.

Everytime I look at this picture it makes my eyes feel claustrophobic. UNGH!

This pear I’m eating is huge!! Its the size of my head. I’m cutting off long slices with a sharp knife, my preferred method pear consumption, but I think I’m going to have to stop. It’s just too much pear. I feel a bit sick. Also I just turned it over and noticed it’s little pear butt hole is bright red inside, and has these thick eyelash looking things around the rim. Kind of putting me off…

A spider bit my leg yesterday on our creek walk. No bigs, I CAN HANDLE IT, don’t worry, but whenever I get a spider bite here I’m always a bit off the next day. Last night I just rubbed some Penaten cream on its puffy pinkness and slid into bed. CB said I smell like an old German lady and bit my cheek. He vocalized fears I would turn into a spider man. I seem to be alright, no web slinging or making out with Emma Stone on a roof top. Sigh. I just feel very sleepy today.

I fell asleep chatting to my mum on skype. I woke up a bit later, drool faced and disoriented.Thought a shower might help. The bathroom sink was covered in hundreds of tiny ants. I stared at them for a long long time, wiggling around making little ant army patterns on the white porcelain. It was hypnotic. There was something quietly eery about it. I thought about Dali, who used them as a symbol of death. Or vaginas. I very sincerely don’t understand that one. I picked up a towel and crushed them all. I don’t feel too bad about killing ants, because they are just an extension of a single creature. It’s like stepping on it’s toe, or giving it a slap on the wrist. Maybe that’s just something I made up so I didn’t feel bad about the massacre.

Last night for dinner we had thin t-bone steaks with grilled zucchini (courgettes here) and onions. Beef tastes different here, extra.. Beefy. The word beef has been in my head all day. I’m hanging laundry repeating the word “beef” out loud to myself. Now Ive gone French, and have been calling the poodles Boeufs all day. C’mon ya buncha bouefs. Lets go, bouefballs!

Yeah I know. But I’m alone all day. It happens. I probably have mad cow disease.

I spend a lot of my time leaning on the fence singing little songs to the ducks. I was belting out an impromptu tune of my own composition the other day when suddenly a man was standing next to me. I nearly fell off the fence. He said hello, and had I seen his dog? A little brown bastard of a lab named Patrick. I had not.. embarrassing.

It was the second time this week someone appeared without warning asking if I had seen their dog Patrick. For reasons completely based in the illogical, I felt suddenly paranoid that it was a set up. That these people were using this lost lab story to case the joint, trying to suss out when I’m not at home. Both times they had come, I would usually have been out to pick CB up from work. I set the alarm, locked and bolted everything and locked the giant wooden gate across the driveway.. just in case.

Later I saw them running with their dog, and waved hello from the car.

I had a dream last night that I showed up to work and had to make something called a “chocolate garland cake” with “lemon sorbet” and I thought it was horrible and had no idea what it was but no one would answer my questions, I was expected to know. In my dream I just started making egg rolls instead.. close enough I guess. Suddenly I woke up thinking that a giant moth had just fallen on my face and jumped up, flailing around the room. Apparently I was shrieking about a huge shiny moth on me and CB just told me to go back to sleep.

Mmm.. Egg Rolls..

Basically, my point here is, I need to start working. I have exactly 1 week of freedom left.. then the apron is back on. I’m so nervous and dreading it, but at the same time I’m so excited to start baking again. Will be good to occupy my brain again too.

P.S This weeks Doctor Who, had dinosaurs on a spaceship, an Egyptian queen, and Amy Pond shooting raptors with a giant gun. It was perfect.

I Like It When You Call Me Te Papa

The X-Ray Room, Te Papa Museum, Wellington

TE PAPA TONGAREWA, BIT-CHiZ!

I’m 100% definite that this is one of the cooler museums we’ve ever been to. We parked the van at 9am, and didn’t get out until nearly 2pm.. we are nerds.

But things like this are why:

Cool! Raptors!

G.D. RAPTORS! Giant SQUID body! Bloody HUGE shark skeletons! So many cool things!

Natural History Level, Te Papa Museum, Wellington

They have friendly red-vested volunteers at the door to explain things to you when you come in and it was explained to us that we were too early. So we had a couple of coffees in the cafe which was quite nice.

When you finally enter the first floor of the museum, that’s what it looks like. Low lighting with vibrant colours, with the sound of childrens brains whirring at 1000 km/h. There’s a spiraling platform that goes around a giant fake tree that kids are racing up and down, and ducking into holes like giant maniac mice. Around us there’s an amazing amount of taxidermied animals set up to be interacting in their natural environment. I really loved the displays here, they were set up with humourous anecdotes and didnt seem to take itself too seriously, it was definitely geared towards kids. In one glass case of birds, the Weka is carrying a silver spoon because it’s a little thief who will eat anything, and the furry snake like ferrets are gobbling up eggs from some poor birds nest. It really gets your imagination going, and you start asking questions like “wtf does that bird have a spoon in its mouth?”

If you walk in further the lighting changes to ocean blue and you’re looking at a giant squids carcass, encased in a domed box of formaldehyde. Coooool. Behind that is the “X-Ray Room” which is home to dozens of amazing marine skeletons. The small dolphin skeletons are especially awesome to me, due to their tubular shape. There’s huge crabs on display, and an amazing collection of shells, and cute little creatures like Slipper Lobsters that are like stubby rectangular versions of the real thing. Don’t think Im interested in slipping my foot into one though. The next room is known as The Whale Heart Room. It’s full of interactive little games and stuffed things you and touch and therefore is FULL of children. It also has an enormous, life size plaster make-up of a blue whales heart that kids can run in side of, and out the ventricles. SO cool!

RAWRRR!!

Two Kea’s going at it! This display is super bad ass. Kea’s are endangered, and the worlds only alpine parrot! If you’re camping near them, they will steal your shit. So, watch out.

Moa about to become lunch for a Haast Eagle

This is the largest bird to have ever lived, the Great Moa. They weighed about 500lbs and was an herbivore for some insane reason.

Cute

Above it is its only natural predator, the Haast Eagle, or Harpagornis (cool name). The largest known raptor, it had a wingspan of 3m and weighed 25 pounds. What a chub.

If a Haast eagle could catch a moa it would feed a whole family of eagles for weeks, but it usually died trying. The moa would wait until just the right moment and fall down onto its side, kicking with its gigantic drumstick legs and huge talons. Usually they would both die. They are both extinct now.. or are they? Some cryptozoologists (cool job) believe some could still be living in fiordland. Probably not though, pretty sure some backpacker would notice the 500lb chicken running around the mountains. But MAYBE!

Kiwi Kiwi Kiwi Kiwi

Kiwi birds in 4 delicious flavours! They are probably the weirdest. Also they are somehow the Moa’s closest relative. It made some bad decisions somewhere along the line.

Holy Frijoles, thats an omelette!

That wee little sack of bird lays an egg nearly the same size as itself. Look at that! No wonder they looks so sad an uncomfortable all the time. Can you imagine carrying that shit around? Where do its organs go? Crikey.

Dodo Bone

Aw the leg bone of a dodo. Dodo’s make me sad. All they wanted to do was to see whats up, and they got thunked in the head until they were all dead. I picture them like chicken shaped dogs, and I hate that people killed them. They didnt even eat them! Dodo’s were probably the only thing on the planet that actually doesn’t taste just like chicken! FOR SHAME!

The majestic Kakapo and his girlfriend, A Scientists Head

Now. This is one of my favourite things in life, actually. I first learned about the Kakapo in Stephen Fryes BBC documentary “Last Chance To See”. Please, please, watch this clip. I just watched it again and laughed like an old man who needs an oxygen tank and is simultaneously finding something very funny.

Little rapist. God. His fat little parrot face just kills me every time. Just.. madly slapping the guy in the face.. good stuff.

So, the weird helmet in that picture above makes more sense now doesn’t it? Scientists made this special headgear to catch the parrots.. um.. special baby parrot makers.. so they could use it to make more parrots! Seeing as kakapos have very little interest in mating with anything other than the backs of silky human heads. Yay science!